I'm not very good at keeping up with this whole blog thing. There aren't any rules or standards I'm holding myself to though...just thought it would be an interesting way to document life's random oddities and every day miracles. I'm noticing a reoccuring theme recently in myself and my general lack of commitment to most things. Yes, I show up to work, do a good job, pay my bills on time for the most part, feed the dog, jog more than occassionally, but I don't want to commit myself to people, projects, or any other time and energy consuming task. I just want to do the bare minimum and be ok. Not that I'm saying I want to be lazy and not care about anything...not at all! I've made a conscious choice to be simpler. It's not easy. We're supposed to be involved and connected in every way possible to everyone we could possibly know. That's fine sometimes, when you're open to it and available for those demands. Right now I'm not available. I'm offline. Mentally that is.
The last year and a half has been tough. Fights, yelling, miscarriage, separation, divorce, change after change blow after blow. My boat has been knocked way off course and now that I'm floating out in the middle of the ocean with every possibility in the world surrounding me...where do I go? Which way is best? I could just choose quickly and dart off in that direction without any abandon, but I've done that before and it was sorely disappointing. I was younger and braver then, but the consequences still burn. So I sit. I ponder. I question everything. I step back and wait. Floating. I choose to not make a choice. Not right now.
For the time being I'm taking life in moderation. Small doses of reality are enough thank you. When it all seems too tough or incomprehensible I call my girlfriends, go out for drinks, buy shoes and most importantly don't forget to breathe.
No comments:
Post a Comment